I'm new to this whole blogging thing.
I set this spot up after I had been up for a solid 36 hours. Needless to say, I was feeling emotional, exhausted, and frustrated. I talked for a solid 30 minutes on my way home, about anything and everything that was upsetting me. My fears, my frustrations, my feelings of inadequacy and disappointment...
Oh, did I mention I was talking to myself? The whole time...? Well, I was. So, out of an intense need to air out my dirty laundry to *someone* besides myself, I came home, sat at the computer, and opened a blog. Of course by the time it was all said and done, I was too tired to write.
When I woke up, though, everything I felt previous to my refreshing 5 hour nap seemed petty, selfish, and ridiculous. Was there really a need to be THAT upset? Was I overreacting? In order to overreact, I need to have an initial reaction in the first place, right? I know I felt upset, and I need to address that, but did I really need to be crying driving 50mph down Sooner?? I've had a week to think about that day. I've had exactly one week to investigate the root of my frustration, to discover the various reasons I feel disappointed in myself, to uncover the underlying cause of my fear and anger, and to address my issues of selfishness. During this self-inquiry, I've discovered a lot about myself. I've come to a lot of conclusions. I've noticed a trend... To be direct, I'm ridiculous.
It'll be years, maybe, before I can truly rid myself of a feeling of inadequacy. It'll take a while for me to feel like I've accomplished my goals in life and conquer my fears. What I can work out now, though, is this ridiculousness issue (and yes, ridiculousness is a word...it means "worthy of ridicule or derision; absurd; preposterous; laughable. Yeah, that's me). To be completely honest, I can't even count on my fingers AND toes how many time I've thought to myself, "Jessi, you are completely ridiculous," or "everyone will think you're ridiculous." It's sad, really...
I would be unstoppable, or a laughing stock, if I wasn't so afraid that my goals seemed ridiculous. I'm not sure if I'd be famous or in jail if I said every ridiculous thing that popped in my head. But you know what?? Fuck it. This is MY blog damnit! LoL. I can be ridiculous if I want to...
10 Ridiculous Things I Want From Life
Law School - I want to go to law school. This is ridiculous because my GPA effing sucks. But I wanna go really bad. I want to be a civil rights lawyer. I want to represent people who are being oppressed. I want to make a lot of money, too.
Living Abroad - I have two ridiculous notions for living abroad. The first, I would like to teach or coach at Oprah's school in Africa. The second, I want to live in Italy, like the lady from "Under The Tuscan Sun"
Kids - I would have kids right now if I could.
Gray Hair - I secretly wish my hair will turn completely gray when I'm old. When I really grow up, I wanna be the eccentric, hip old woman in town that lives in a pink house with a bazillion crazy sculptures in the yard with silvery gray hair and 3 cats.
Running for Office - That's pretty self-explanatory...
Becoming an Activist - I would love love LOVE the chance to lobby in congress for Gay Marriage. It'd be a rough fight, but I think I'm capable of changing the minds of others on this issue.
Coaching - I want to give pitching lessons and coach a girls softball team.
Sing - Ugh, I LOVE to sing! It would be awesome if I could make a career out of it. I can't, I know that. I'm not that good, but still, this is my "ridiculous" list, remember??
Open a Restaurant/Gallery - That's right folks, food & art, all together in the same place. What I have pictured in my mind would be really cool! I'd open it in Austin, and have it be a place where local artists can sell their work, set up shows, and even perform. I'd like to have a studio set up where painters can paint, sculptors can sculpt, dancers can dance, lyricists and poets could speak, all while people are enjoying quality food at a quality price. I think it'd be kickass...
Change The World - I guess I'm just a product of two ex-hippies. My mom and dad have always had big plans and ideas for the road to a better world. I think I have some ideas too. I'd just like to be able to say that I made a difference when I was here. I'd like to change the world for someone or something and leave a lasting legacy before I go...
So there it is, my ridiculous goals. LoL. Maybe those are the reasons I constantly feel inadequate. I'm aiming too high!
