An homage to the solitary life...

As many of you (and by you, I mean the three people who may read this) may know, I'm in the process of moving...

I hate moving. I hate packing. I hate cleaning... I hate all the things associated with taking all of my worldly possessions and moving them from point A to point B. During this whole process, there's been a lot of excitement and anxiety. Excitement because I'm moving from a tiny, nasty-ass apartment into a really cool effing house. It's old, but it has so much character - bad and good. But I like it. I feels right for me at this point in my life. It's been tumultuous though. Moving is expensive, and I'm not necessarily made of money. Plus, I'm getting a new roommate. He's awesome. I hand-picked him, kinda. But I've lived on my own for going on three years now, and I'm a little nervous about sharing a space with someone.

I know it'll be alright, but I'd by lying if I said I wasn't a little sad about this transition. I feel like I'm a little old to be taking a step backward. I should be able to support myself at this age, but I just can't, and it's time for me to grow up and do the financially responsible thing for once in my life. So... I've decided to embrace this change with open arms. I'll be saving a significant amount of money. Maybe I will be able to relax a little, focus on school (I mean, really focus on school), and enjoy the company of a pretty cool guy on a regular basis - it'll be nice to be able to have a conversation within the confines of my living room. I don't have a lot of company. All I have is Abbie, and she doesn't talk back.

With that being said, though, I have to admit there are certain aspects of living a solitary life I'm going to miss. I make it sound like I'm incredibly anti-social, and I'm not, but I live alone. I spend a great deal of time with myself and no one else. And call me crazy, but I'll kinda miss that... The little things anyway. For example, I'm going to have to cut wayyyy down on my naked time. That's the best part about living by yourself, the freedom to walk around in your birthday suit.

And no more silly rituals, like wearing slutty outfits and high heels while I clean the house. I hate cleaning house... I feel better if I dress up for the occasion. LoL. Although, usually, I get done with the kitchen and the dining area, start on the living room, kick off the heels and put on some slippers, because by then, my feet are KILLING me!

I really like showering with my bathroom door open, too. I hate when my mirror gets all steamy. How am I supposed to see myself while I put on toner and moisturizer and all that jazz? With steam! all over the window?? Ugh, I hate it...

I'm really going to miss nights like this, where I sit in my living room listening to my favorite songs by candle light, chain smoking and drinking wine.

I've always found a certain amount of comfort in an empty room. It's my downtime. I wait tables, I talk to people for a living. I like entering my house and having it be a nice, quiet haven full of the wondrous sounds of silence.

I'm sure I'll adjust and be just fine. I'm lucky, my roommate enjoys a certain amount of downtime too. I know there are many fun, fine nights of sitting in a recliner with Abbie - Nathan and his cat, Venice, sitting in the recliner on the other side of the room - with SportsCenter in the background. I'll miss the "good-life," but I think that'll be a good life too.

Besides, it's not like I'm never going to get the chance to live by myself again. I have no plans to get hitched or shack up with someone (for good, anyway) anytime soon...

I Am Ridiculous

I'm new to this whole blogging thing.

I set this spot up after I had been up for a solid 36 hours. Needless to say, I was feeling emotional, exhausted, and frustrated. I talked for a solid 30 minutes on my way home, about anything and everything that was upsetting me. My fears, my frustrations, my feelings of inadequacy and disappointment...

Oh, did I mention I was talking to myself? The whole time...? Well, I was. So, out of an intense need to air out my dirty laundry to *someone* besides myself, I came home, sat at the computer, and opened a blog. Of course by the time it was all said and done, I was too tired to write.

When I woke up, though, everything I felt previous to my refreshing 5 hour nap seemed petty, selfish, and ridiculous. Was there really a need to be THAT upset? Was I overreacting? In order to overreact, I need to have an initial reaction in the first place, right? I know I felt upset, and I need to address that, but did I really need to be crying driving 50mph down Sooner?? I've had a week to think about that day. I've had exactly one week to investigate the root of my frustration, to discover the various reasons I feel disappointed in myself, to uncover the underlying cause of my fear and anger, and to address my issues of selfishness. During this self-inquiry, I've discovered a lot about myself. I've come to a lot of conclusions. I've noticed a trend... To be direct, I'm ridiculous.

It'll be years, maybe, before I can truly rid myself of a feeling of inadequacy. It'll take a while for me to feel like I've accomplished my goals in life and conquer my fears. What I can work out now, though, is this ridiculousness issue (and yes, ridiculousness is a word...it means "worthy of ridicule or derision; absurd; preposterous; laughable. Yeah, that's me). To be completely honest, I can't even count on my fingers AND toes how many time I've thought to myself, "Jessi, you are completely ridiculous," or "everyone will think you're ridiculous." It's sad, really...

I would be unstoppable, or a laughing stock, if I wasn't so afraid that my goals seemed ridiculous. I'm not sure if I'd be famous or in jail if I said every ridiculous thing that popped in my head. But you know what?? Fuck it. This is MY blog damnit! LoL. I can be ridiculous if I want to...

10 Ridiculous Things I Want From Life
Law School - I want to go to law school. This is ridiculous because my GPA effing sucks. But I wanna go really bad. I want to be a civil rights lawyer. I want to represent people who are being oppressed. I want to make a lot of money, too.

Living Abroad - I have two ridiculous notions for living abroad. The first, I would like to teach or coach at Oprah's school in Africa. The second, I want to live in Italy, like the lady from "Under The Tuscan Sun"

Kids - I would have kids right now if I could.

Gray Hair - I secretly wish my hair will turn completely gray when I'm old. When I really grow up, I wanna be the eccentric, hip old woman in town that lives in a pink house with a bazillion crazy sculptures in the yard with silvery gray hair and 3 cats.

Running for Office - That's pretty self-explanatory...

Becoming an Activist - I would love love LOVE the chance to lobby in congress for Gay Marriage. It'd be a rough fight, but I think I'm capable of changing the minds of others on this issue.

Coaching - I want to give pitching lessons and coach a girls softball team.

Sing - Ugh, I LOVE to sing! It would be awesome if I could make a career out of it. I can't, I know that. I'm not that good, but still, this is my "ridiculous" list, remember??

Open a Restaurant/Gallery - That's right folks, food & art, all together in the same place. What I have pictured in my mind would be really cool! I'd open it in Austin, and have it be a place where local artists can sell their work, set up shows, and even perform. I'd like to have a studio set up where painters can paint, sculptors can sculpt, dancers can dance, lyricists and poets could speak, all while people are enjoying quality food at a quality price. I think it'd be kickass...

Change The World - I guess I'm just a product of two ex-hippies. My mom and dad have always had big plans and ideas for the road to a better world. I think I have some ideas too. I'd just like to be able to say that I made a difference when I was here. I'd like to change the world for someone or something and leave a lasting legacy before I go...

So there it is, my ridiculous goals. LoL. Maybe those are the reasons I constantly feel inadequate. I'm aiming too high!